Wow, I did that!

Robbie is one of my pupils. He is learning electronic keyboard and is currently working for Grade 7. Robbie struggles with his mental health. Last year, to his great credit, he graduated from university with a degree in mathematics. Throughout his three years at university he continued learning and playing keyboard, moving to online lessons with me.

I recently had a very interesting conversation with Robbie, and in this transcript, my words are in black typeface.

Robbie’s words are in blue.

Robbie, we’re going to have a chat about your music – whether it helps in the way you feel, and what part it plays in your life. You began playing the keyboard at primary school, but you were 11 when I first knew you. I’ve been teaching you ever since – and you’re now 22!

Yes, I’ve always loved music, and I tried the guitar and ocarina before I started playing keyboard.

Well, you’ve been playing for fifteen years, and that shows real dedication. Why have you been so consistent, and so committed to playing?

I’ve just always enjoyed it, and I get fascinated by people’s ideas – whether it be a band playing, or a sound track from a film, or a cover someone does online, or a piece of classical music. I love discovering music I didn’t know before, and I also love the idea of making my own music.

So tell me about your mental health, Robbie. You began playing keyboard at the age of seven. Did you have problems then? Were you an anxious child?

I was always very anxious and restless. I wasn’t deliberately badly behaved, but I would sometimes get into trouble when I didn’t understand or went off-task. Getting told off was hard to deal with. I can’t take negative comments very well. Now that I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and OCD I can understand my childhood much better.

Your teachers, fifteen years ago, might not have known about those conditions, though.

No, you rarely ever heard of people being diagnosed with these things. It wasn’t properly recognised until near the end of my time in high school. People became more aware of mental health after the pandemic.

When did you get your diagnoses, and when did you start medication?

During high school, I realised I had OCD and also dyslexia, as I’ve always struggled with reading. My new medication actually helps me with my reading, and I’ve found I can read for a lot longer now. I sometimes cannot believe some of the stuff the medication has helped with. I’ve always been anxious, but it was much worse at high school. I check things obsessively, but even then it wasn’t completely overwhelming. That happened when I got to Sixth Form after Covid. My grandma died, and that was the first time someone I was close to had died, and that was just awful. I spent a lot of time with my grandpa, as I’m very close to him.

I was nervous about going away to university, but I spent the day before with my grandpa and my aunt’s dog, and that really calmed me down. I enjoyed university, but my grandpa became ill while I was away and I couldn’t say goodbye to him. In the end, I said goodbye to him over the phone while he was unconscious. It was really tough. Living on my own and grieving, I found things very, very difficult. As a child, your parents tell you what to do and they take responsibility for everything. But away at university, I really struggled, and I began to suffer from anhedonia, when you can’t enjoy anything. You feel paralysed and you just exist. You can’t watch TV or enjoy music or anything at all. It’s a symptom of ADHD when your dopamine is at a very low level. My medication has reduced the anhedonia a lot, but that was a terrible time for me.

But throughout all of this, even during the anhedonia, you were doing your university work and continuing with your keyboard lessons. I was teaching you online while you were at university. So, given how you were feeling, how were you able to carry on with your music?

Music is an escape. When I’m a bit low, I can still enjoy music. It helps me do chores too, giving me the energy I need to do them. I’m not entirely sure how I found the motivation to practise through everything, but I took lots of breaks and I made a resolution to be kind to myself and to work when my dopamine levels were high. Also, I really enjoyed the music I was playing, and I felt better when I’d made the progress I wanted to. With ADHD, you can be inattentive or hyperactive. Sometimes both. My version isn’t particularly hyper. But if something excites me, I’m drawn to it and I find it easier to do than other things.

So, did your music actually help you through this period and with your mental health problems?

Well, you do your practice, and then you look back at the progress you’ve made and you can see that you’ve managed to do something. When you struggle to do quite a lot of things because you don’t have the energy – or, sometimes, you’ve got too much energy and so you can’t focus – then, when you find something you can do, and you’ve done it, it’s a real wow, and it gives you that dopamine hit.

So, playing your keyboard keeps you going because you feel a sense of achievement?

Yes, and it’s also an escape from your worries and life generally – money, jobs and so on. It’s not chaotic or stressful. You can enjoy it, and you can express yourself emotionally and get away from everything that’s been bothering you. Listening to music helps too. Leaving the house is very stressful for me, as I frantically check I’ve got what I need, and make sure everything is in the correct place. But if I listen to music, I don’t panic as much and I don’t overthink it as much as I would. It gives me the energy and the motivation to focus.

Let’s finish with two different things. First, a quick summary of how your music has helped you with your mental health problems; and secondly, can you offer advice to someone who might be suffering from anxiety on how they can help themselves, particularly in relation to music.

It’s the same answer to both questions. Music helps me escape from my problems and it helps me get through everything. To other people, I’d say music is different from any other activity, except perhaps drawing or painting. It’s an escape, and while you’re listening or playing, you don’t overthink your problems, and they stop overwhelming you. I would encourage anyone to play an instrument. When you listen to some music you like, and then you learn to play it yourself, it’s a massive achievement.

And then you say to yourself, “Wow, I did that!”

Explanatory Notes from Humoresque:

OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is a mental health condition characterised by unwanted intrusive thoughts (obsessions) which lead to repetitive behaviours or mental rituals (compulsions) performed to reduce anxiety or prevent feared outcomes.

ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) is a neuro-developmental condition characterised by persistent patterns of inattention, hyperactivity and/or impulsivity which interfere with everyday functioning or development.

Anhedonia is a recognised medical and psychological symptom in which a person loses the ability to experience pleasure or enjoyment from activities they would normally find rewarding.

I’d love to know what you think of this Humoresque. You can put a comment in the box below this post, or you can email me directly. I read and respond to everything.

Humoresque is available to anyone who might be interested. You don’t have to be one of my pupils, or even learning music. If you know anyone who might be interested in subscribing to Humoresque, please let me know. I will only need their name and their email address. Thanks.

Humoresque = a whimsical or fanciful piece of music. Be whimsical, be fanciful, but play in time!

This is Humoresque Number 44